Ah! Pain

Ah! Pain, So wonderously seductive
Numbing my senses,
Holding me in it's embrace.

Ah!Pain, The gift of Love
Slashing through my heart
Making me bleed invisibly.

Ah! Pain, my companion for life
Leaves me for a few moments
When I flirt with joy
Only but waiting for Pain to return
And take me in his arms again.

Ah! Pain, my eternal consort
Welling up in my eyes
Spilling out as pearl drops

Ah!Pain - we'd never be apart again!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

8 March 2006
2:32 AM

Life Goes On...

Life goes on...
Silence engulfs the world of love
Nameless faces traverse the Universe
I try to find my way to you
Sucked in deeper by the void
I can feel you moving away from me

Life goes on...
Screams shatter the silence of the night
Blood and pain scattered on the pavements
I try to call out your name
My voice gets lost in the shreiks
Of bloodied roses with vengeful thorns

Life goes on...
I sit gazing at nowhere before me
I've lost touch with reality
Tears flow unabashed from my eyes
I search for a face, a voice

Life goes on...
I'm crippled without you
Just want to hear you
Call out my name...
Bring me back to you
I'm dead in life
...It goes on...

-----------------------------------------------------------

8th march 2006
2:30AM

Void

A gush of tears followed by an empty mind navigates my tired body towards the laptop. Seating myself in the comfortable chair, my fingers seek out the keyboard and stary typing. Bleary eyes watch as letter crawl over the white patch of writing space like ants marching home. The laptop's speakers blare out some love forsaken song which makes my heart wrench in pain...the song loops endlessly.

My nimble fingers make intricate movements on the keyboard making words out of keys printed with alphabets. Words keep collecting togather, forming sentences, paragraphs...perhaps even a story. Curiously, the mind sees them but fails to register its meaning. As I keep typing, the pain in my heart goes numb, my mind stops analyzing, all I want is to run away. All I want is some peace.

All I hear is you saying "bye"...

Na hai yeh paana, na khona hi hai...

tera na hona jane, kyon hona hi hai....

Tears

The car moves smoothly over the gravelled road. Tired of the air conditioned comfort, I roll down the windows to let the breeze touch my face.

As I keep driving, I suddenly realize the wetness on my cheeks and I ask myself what made these rascal tears to tease my senses. I thought this was funny. I should not be having tears in my eyes. Nothing has happened. There is no sad news that I have learnt, there has been no accidents, mishaps, quarrels, break ups...nothing that warrants such a generous stream of salt laced water to flow down my eyes. Neither is my contact lenses playing up.

I did not get any answer. Just saw your handsome smile, remembered your deep gaze...for a moment, I imagined you laying your hand on my head...like you did when I was upset. It was comforting, but it brought a fresh flow of those wretched tears...

Although you are not with me, I hear your voice calling out to me....

I don't know what made me cry, but I kept driving, trying to blow dry my eyes and soothe my aching heart...

It still hurts.

Don't know why....

Tum Se Hi....

Na hai yeh pana
Na Khona hi hai
Tera Na hona jane
Kyun hona hi hai

Tum se hi din hota hai
Surmaiye shaam aati
Tumse hi tumse hi
Har ghadi saans aati hai
Zindagi kehlati hai
Tumse hi tumse hi

Na hai yeh pana
Na Khona hi hai
Tera Na hona jane
Kyun hona hi hai

Aankhon mein ankhein teri
Bahoon mein baahein teri
Mera na mujhe mein kuch raha ...hua kya
Baaton mein baatein teri
Raatein saugatein teri
Kyun tera sab yeh ho gaya...hua kya
Mein kahin bhi jata hoon
Tumse hi mil jata hoon
Tumse hi tumse hi
Shor mein khamoshi hai
Thodi se Behoshi hai
Tum se hi tum se hi

Aadha sa wada kabhi
Aadhe se jyada kabhi
Jee chahe karlu is tarha wafa ka
Chode na chootey kabhi
Tode na tute kabhi
Jo dhaga tumse jud gaya wafa ka
Mein Tera sarmaya hoon
Jo bhi mein ban paya hoon
Tumse hi tumse hi
Raste mil jate hai
Manzile mil jati hai
Tumse hi tumse hi

Na hai yeh pana
Na Khona bhi hai
Tera Na hona jane
Kyun hona bhi hai

This is a song from the movie 'Jab We Met'....it's beautiful and does manage to bring that stray tear to the corner of my eyes...love so deep can only be understood by those who have loved ...and lost! And if you love someone deep enough, the lyrics of this song will also make your finger rise automatically to flick that wild, unheeding, stray tear away!

Love hurts and that's the beauty of this emotion. It curves your lips into a smile while your eyes grow a deep red with tears gushing like a stream ....and only you know the bittersweet pain.

Love...

Crash!

The car was cruising along at a comfortable speed of 60 kph....the entire stretch of the road was empty. The urge to push my high heeled feet down on the accelerator was overwhelming but the slow cruise was relaxing, what with good music and the warm smoke of a Navy Cut filling my senses.

It was a good drive, I was enjoying it and nothing could have been more perfect. As I approached the roundabout I instinctively slowed down ....the road was clear ....suddenly two bikes with teenagers zoomed in out of nowhere...they didn't want to take the roundabout to reach the other side of the road....and decided to zoom past right before my car.

It was a split second decision...I slammed the brakes hard while trying to dodge the kids. All I was thinking was how to save the definitely 'stupid' kids! My car dodged the kids (who obviously sped away from the scene) and rammed head on onto the roundabout. Suddenly there was a bang on impact....my car swerved crazily, I saw debris flying off from the pavement...The vents spewed soot inside the car..my head jerked in front and then was thrown back with tremendous force...I somehow managed to get the car from running into the wall and got it back on the road....Then there was nothing.

I blacked out ...maybe two minutes, perhaps three...then there was soot in my hands and fingers....they hurt....there were people around me...exclamations of " she saved the car and those guys", "awesome driver", "but the car's wheel...", "sahi bachaya, koi aur hota to gadi ulat jati (saved the car well, if it were someone else, the car would have turned turtle)"....filed my ears....I was more concerned about the car.

Coming out of the car I saw the front right wheel....the alloys wheel was broken, the axle was damaged, the tyres were standing on an angle...I changed the wheel with some help from the bystanders...couldn't have done it alone as my hand hurt. And then somehow moved the car from the main road and parked it on the side. The gearbox was working, the throttle was working but thanks to the axle, the gear wasn't connecting.

So, I had an unmovable, stalled car in my hands...After a lot of calls, a tow van came after 3 hours and I managed to get my car to the dealer's workshop around 7 in the evening.

As I sit here writing my blog, my big, black car is getting serviced... I hope to have him back soon. My car is my identity....It's imbibed in my soul. I am in love with my SX4...and after this accident, I love him more...any other car and perhaps I'd be having obituaries being written in my name today. But my car saved my life...men are back, (smile) definitely...

My head hurts, as well as the back of my neck....will go for a check up ....but I'm more concerned about my car...hope he comes home safely.

Can't wait to go out for a long drive with him again.

misunderstood...

Tied to you with the sacred bond of love,

We exchanged vows of man and wife

They said we won't make it,

We beat the odds together.


There were moments of silent happiness

When our lips curved into a soft smile,

Oblivious to the surrounding confusion

Shrieking in various voices of chaos.


Sometimes under the blue moon,

Tears of fire rolling down reddened yes

Left marks of despair on our cheeks

Sadness embraced our hearts.


Moments of ecstasy entwined our souls

When we would become a single breath, one heartbeat

We would find heaven in each other's company

The world spinning around us in all its glory.


Moments...

Ecstatic, blue, gleeful...

Come rain or shine, we remained one

Laughing at all those who said

We wouldn't last a spring.


In our victory creeped in a web

Misunderstanding, distrust, distressed hearts

I pray for us...

You complete me, nurture me, sustain my soul

Husband later, friend and confidante first

You are my world in entirety.


We know we will overcome all odds

For we are one heart, one soul, one love

As my hearts floods with tenderness for you

The elements hear my prayer and send their blessings,

I know all will be well, for we are made to be...

Together forever.

To my one love

The winds whisper carelessly in my ears,

I feel the soft touch of parted lips,

warm breath sends shivers through my being

I heard your sweet nothings.



Raindrops pit pat on my face,

breaking into a thousand diamonds on touch

the coolness calms my sizzling skin

I feel your soft caress



The sun envelops me in its warmth

in cold wintery days

like your open arms it holds me close

till i glow with its glory

i imagine your smile brightening up the sky



glorious emotion, this love

made immortal with your personal touch

years of togatherness made better

like old wine sleeping in a casket



I think of us togather

A smile creeps into my lips

i have lived forever - i am living still

encased for eternity in your heartbeat.

Money, Money, Money...

...Its so funny,
In a rich man's world.

Quite a famous song!
But more so a reality neither you nor I can deny.

The world runs around money. Relationships revolve around this central magnetic force. Let us call it the core of our existence. I as well as most of you have learnt or will learn sooner or later that this necessary evil called "money" is the epicentre of the storm we call "life".

Its amazing how relations as pure as that that of a mother and child can turn sour because one of them cannot provide "money" to the other. We have seen umpteen cases of a variety of relations like parents and children, siblings, husband and wife , friends, relatives etc pushed to the deep abyss of ignominious nothingness for this very evil we so love to amass. Our whole lives are spent earning, spending and fighting over it. Core of our existence, or bane of our life?

In our constant endeavour to amass wealth, we refuse to acknowledge the beauty of all things simple...in the end, we realize that we are gasping for our last breath and look on with glazed, partially impaired eyes how all the wealth we had accumulated are being fought for...as the debate on inheritance increases in pitch, our call for the last drop of water melts into the maddening war cries. We die with a dry throat and a parched soul.

But what if we fail to create a wealth worth fighting for? Ironically, we still die with a dry throat...who would bother to be at the deathbed of an old, withering soul with no money to look forward to for inheritance. But will the soul be as parched? I don't know.

That does not mean we can do without money. Hell no!. Money is a way to various means. We need it for various purposes, it provides us with a roof over our head, food and drink to fill our stomachs and clothes to cover our body. It helps make our life much easier in many ways. But only if we could strive to let it remain a sine qua non and not necessarily make it an evil thing.

Maybe someday, I'll be able to explain...till then...perhaps, someone will read this and remember once more that we're humans with a heart and not just money making machines. Just Maybe!

Selling love by the dozen

Chinese sign for Love

Here I am selling love to you. I'm throwing in a deal too...fall in love, get a romantic music CD collection free...or maybe a 2 nights 3 days trip to an exotic destination of your choice in India. As a socially responsible person who also believes in spreading awareness about HIV and AIDS, I'm throwing in a bunch of free condoms too. Now, don't be shy, we all know the 'moment' may come sooner or later.

Does this make you laugh? Well, love is the most profitable commodity in today's world. You get bored, you fall in love. You get tired of your present love interest, you fall out of love. You want to make a movie, the best selling story would be one centered on love. Love sells in every form...stories, music, cards, scandals --you name it and love wins hands down, everywhere. Lovers from different castes/communities fighting to be together makes breaking news. Murder in the name of love creates headlines. Rapes in the name of love and accusations of rape when love turns sour are the scandals that has the highest TRP ratings. A lovechild creates more interest than millions of starving children on the road. Valentine's day spells profit to companies that sell cards, flowers and an assortment of goodies for your 'beloved'. On that day, a single red Rose sells at 10 times its original price. Ah love! Such a prosperous emotion.

In all this hullabaloo, the true love seems to have retreated in a corner. Do you have to shower materialistic gifts to proclaim your feelings of fondness for that significant other? A poem or a letter seems to have been demoted as a tacky way of showing one's emotions. Well, how many of the new generation does read old English poetry or poetry in any language for that matter? Sex is more important today. Oh yes, physical satisfaction and intimacy is the yardstick of love these days. No wonder we grow out of love every other day. And behold, a string of affairs follow.

Really, how many of us do know the real meaning of love? In all this merchandising of the most beautiful emotion, we have sadly lost the true essence of love. Perhaps, someday it will all come back to the collective conscience of mankind. But by then, it might be too late. Adios Amor Mio!

save the girl child

Recently the television has been inundated with reports of female foeticide. As a woman, I fail to understand the reason behind it. Was the child's being female such a ginormous crime that a death sentence had to be pronounced on her? Imagine you sleeping in a cozy place, believing that you are in the safest haven and some monster suddenly appears and tears you apart...first your legs, then your body, your arms, your head....you are screaming all this while for help...screaming in pain...wondering why your mother, inside whom you felt so safe, is allowing this to happen to you...you ask her for help...she does nothing. The last thing you tell her is how much you love her. A foetus can fell pain, like all of us.

If women were so disgraceful that their birth had to be stopped...then shame on you men! How could you forget that you were born of a woman, without her, you would not have existed. You need a wife to warm your bed, cook and clean for you and also earn for the family if need be and bear your child. If the child is a male, then you extol her as a woman, if the child is a female, you kill the baby before she is born and make the life of the mother a living hell.

I don't know whether to laugh or to cry....don't these men know that the 'x' and 'y' chromosomes, the ones that determine the sex of the child is 'presented' by the father and that the mother has nothing to do with the sex of the baby? Still our society abuses women for conceiving female children. The worst of the lot is the women in the family who aid this kind of pathetic, lowly discrimination against their own kind.

We worship Lakshmi as the goddess of wealth, Saraswati as the goddess of learning, Durga and Kali as the goddesses of power...but the little goddess who is yet to be born is murdered in cold blood before she could open her beautiful eyes and see the world.

Maybe one of these slain angels could have become the next Kalpana Chawla, Sunita Wiliams, Sania Mirza, Sonia Gandhi, Indra Nooyi or perhaps even greater than all the women we extol today.

Imagine a world without women...imagine a world without beauty.

Doesn't our little princesses deserve to live...God gave them life, let us not take it away from them.

I cannot write anymore, my vision is blurred. I cry for all the unborn children and I pity their wretched parents.

May God bless their souls!

why do I write?

I write... I write for myself, my muse is my inner self...she is the one without a beginning and without an end...she is my soul. I am questioned why I write for my own self...I am told the nuances of writing for the masses...that i should be writing keeping in mind what my readers would like to read...but how do you make someone understand that I am writing for my muse, my self.
If it were for riches and fame, perhaps my words would be restrained and politically correct. But how do i bring my foolish heart to listen to what practicality whispers in my ears and write not what it feels but what would earn it a few pennies? a penny for your thought please....
my lips part into a smile, can i call it a sad smile, for i know that pennies are not minted for me or should i call it a sarcastic smile because I know yet i dont care what the world thinks...or maybe I am losing my mind...
any which way, the question still keeps looming inside my mind...why do i write? again, the lips part into a smile....this time, I dont try to figure out the reason behind it.