Kaash ki kabhi aisa ho…

Dil jaise koi pyaala ho,

Dard ka jaam bhar de ismein.

Aankhein rooh ki badal banke,

Gham ki baarish aansuyon se karte ho jaise.

Lab karti hai saazish aisi,

Ki us bewafa ko yeh kashmakash ho...

Ke Bhar aaye dil aur nam aankhon se dekhte huye,

Hum is kadar hans rahe kaise.

Kaash ki kabhi aisa ho…

Usko Ek nazar hamari talaash ho…

Bliss of Motherhood

Found this poem scribbled on a piece of paper, the day after my baby girl was born...dedicated to my lovely daughter, Sheen...

The scent of innocence wafts in,

Through the open windows of my heart.

Senses prevail in a sublime world,

Of surrealistic splendor.

Ears behold the gurgling laughter,

Of newborn cherubins.

Water tastes like sparkling wine,

In this other world of happiness.

Eyes open to a world of beauty,

Created to perfection by an unknown hand.

Magickal wonder rests softly

On everything seen and unseen...

That of which dreams are made of,

That of which I am a part,

In sleep as well as in wakefulness.

The Bald Experiment

A few months back, I shaved off my head as a social experiment.

The reactions I got were a mixed bag and confirmed my belief in social biases and stigmas associated with lack of a mop, and the collective definition of beauty.

While some of my friends were concerned at this sudden decision, they appreciated my “badass” look and said this ‘avatar’ suited me. Some said I resembled Aung, from The Last Airbender, some said I looked like a thug, some said I was Tylor from Billions, some said I am a monk now...some jested that I should get a tattoo on my head.

A few of my Instagram followers were downright rude and asked how dare I shave my head.
My Facebook friends were a little more subtle but most liked it (maybe because they are mostly from the western world and are more used to these random acts of change).
Twitter followers was concerned if I was ok.
I’m yet to get a reaction from LinkedIn, which I’m waiting for eagerly now.
My kid hated it and was more concerned about what “people” will think. Her friends were shocked and concerned.
I had  people in the apartment complex stare at me. Most people refused to comment.

Made me think about all those people who are naturally bald or had to shave off due to chemotherapy or maybe had their hair fall out because of some side effect of something they took or some disease. The social stigma is mind-boggling! 

We need to redefine beauty as something that's not skin deep or superfluous. Beauty lies in the way you behave with someone less fortunate than you. Beauty lives in a kind word, a much needed hug, a warm smile. Beauty is when you are present for someone who needs you. Beauty is when you ae honest and caring and loving and gentle and faithful and helpful. 

Maybe its time we redefined beauty and taught our children to look beyond the physical attributes and learnt to appreciate a person's soul.

They say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder...they also say that the eyes are the window to our souls...let the eyes look into the souls of a living being and see their innate goodness and appreciate humanity...for else, we cease to be humans when we shun, mock, tease, ridicule our brethren solely based on their physical attributes. 

Be kind...it doesn't cost a penny!   

Shattered dreams

Rising from the dirt of abandonment like a Lotus in swamp,

I looked up to you like a Sunflower gazes at the Sun.

Gathering my broken pieces of a faintly beating heart,

I dared myself to love again.

Consumed by the flames of emotions,

The soul surrendered to your magnetism. 

Like a moth to a flame I flew too close to the Sun

Inevitability ensued promptly.

The warmth transformed to a searing heat.

Scorching me to the bones and scarring my consciousness.

The soul was burnt, the heart melted away to oblivion

Dreams shattered into a million pieces 

This time I won’t be invictus

This time I won’t get back up with my bloodied head and an aching heart

This time my eyes search for you 

While I lay defeated 

If  I walk the earth again,

There will be no light in my soul,

No spark in my eye 

No smile on my lips

You’ve taken them all with you.

May you shine in all your glory, eternal sunshine 

While I bite the dust! 

Fated Love

I had loved many a loves,  Not knowing love will be lost.
The betrayals and heartaches abound, I nurtured my weeping heart.
Disillusioned and yet hoping for a miracle, I plastered a happy mask on my forlorn face.
Then you came along...Like a dazzling ray of the Sun, 
Tearing my darkness apart.
But this time I knew I’ve lost, the moment I loved you.
No surprises in store, the heart revels in your love,
Yet weeps for the inevitability of losing you forever, 
So I clamour for more time, wishing I could freeze time. 
Never have I loved so fervently, neither cared so deeply.
Words seem to fail me in my quest to confess my true feelings.
I’ll lose you for sure, for it is destiny.
But I’ll love you forevermore, because  I’ve never known true love till I met you.
Fated love, yes this is.
But to love you and be loved by you...
I look at you, my own personal Sun and smile...
Nothing can describe this feeling, 
Fated love! But one that defines me! 

My patch of sunshine...

Thunder, lightening and the dark skies,

Drenching me in drops of sorrow.

Soaked to the skin and bones,

I bowed down to fate.

When a sliver of the sun cut through the black haze.

Lighting up my soul.

I know it’s short-lived.

So I try to soak in the warmth.

Stealing precious moments, 

Imbibing my soul with the light exuding from you. 

My little patch of sunshine.

Unreal, enigmatic and a mirage,

I defy all odds and say “So what!”

A drop of the sun’s rays is all I need.

To warm my shattered heart and recharge my weary soul.

When the light leaves me for good,

The memories will persist,

And along with it, so will I.

Daring the darkness to engulf me again,

Knowing the remnants of the sunshine in me

Will shine through

Making me Invictus yet again! 

Zarranawazi...

“Bekhauff huye hain Ishq mein,

Woh jo kabhi sahme huye se rehte thein ...

Meikhane ki justjoo kaafir kiya karte hain.

Ishq ki ibaadat Karne wale...

Woh toh mehboob ke aankhon se jaam piya karte hain!”

Deewangi...

RiShton ke Zanzeer baandhte hain jism ko,

Rooh kisi ki jaagir nahin.

Jab dil naache ishq ke Nashe mein, 

Toh ishq ki showhar, ishq ki Khuda,

Ishq hi Ibaadat hota hai. 

Pyaar mein pathhar khana Asaan nahin.

Yeh toh sirf faqiron ki Aadat hain;

Duniya kya jaane deewangi,

Seeta toh Sab ban sakte hain. 

Radha ya Meera ban ke toh koi dikhaye! 

Armaan

Inayat hai khuda ki,

Jo Tere dil mein panaah mila.

Tujhpe yakeen na kiya,

Tauheen hui yeh humse.

Gustaakh dil ne arzi Di hai,

Ab maaf bhi kar ae sanam.

Tere ibadat mein dum nikle,

Bas yahin Armaan,

Ab in saanson se nikle!

Gustaakhi maaf

Tere nazron ki ruhaaniyat,

Shiddat deti hain uns ko.

Tere qurbat ke Chahat mein

Hayat moajaza si lage.

Maraasim ki justju mein sukoon khoya.

Ranjish-e-dil ne alfaaz fanaa kiye.

Tashreeh kya de aapko?

Tadbeer dhoondne chale the,

Judai ka gham bhulne ko.

Inayaat Na dikhi,

Bas kohram machaye chale aye.

Translation:

The soulfulness  of your eyes

Lends intensity to love.

The need for your closeness,

Makes life look like a miracle.

I’ve lost peace in my search for relations.

The anguished heart destroyed all words.

What explanation should I give you?

I was searching for a solution

To forget the pain of separation.

I missed seeing my blessings, (and)

Just created chaos and came back.

When we sleep...

Note to self...

Last....

One last call...to hear your voice

One last plea...to let me in

One last whisper...to say I love you

One last whimper...to say it pains

One last tear... to forever embed you in my heart

A plea...

How does one go from being the love that was much cherished to become the unrequited love that a heart mourns every moment?

You chose to stop loving me while I chose never to stop loving you ever.
You chose to ignore my silent pleas and concentrate on my shortcomings.
I chose to ignore your mistakes and look deep within you and understand your pain and the demons you were fighting in your head and heart.

We both had demons we were fighting, whose demon was more frightening is a futile argument.
We had momentarily had our hearts filled with despair and distrust but I found strength in your love to rise above that poisonous cloud.

I was determined to not let anything take you away from me because you were and are the love of my life, my source of sustenance, my heart, my soul, my storm and my peace.
You were my zen and my chaos.
You completed me.

We lost a dream together when we lost that spark of life growing within me...in my despair, I tried reaching out to you, in your despair, you cringed away from me...turning my despair and desperation into blinding rage that burnt your heart and sizzled the tears into oblivion.
I faltered and in doing so my hand slipped from yours and I fell into the deep dark abyss of nothingness.

My existence is void of soul, of love, of happiness.
I exist now to simply exist in a world I can't fathom nor trust nor feel.
As I stare into the void, burning tears race down my cheeks.
I close my eyes imagining your fingers wiping away the pain.
Yet I know it may never be.

You are not to blame, neither am I...we both are doing what we know is true...me, loving you,  as you walk away from me.

You are my love, my life...now all that is left is to learn how to live a lifeless existence.

The heart wants to give up, the mind is blank but somehow I know I have to trudge along...the journey isn't over yet.

There are mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, people to take care of...so I conjure the plastic smile, put my chin up and walk bravely.

Just that no one sees the glazed eyes and the tears that I promptly wipe...

Don't let her go...

"My Love", she beckoned to him.

Arms outstretched, tears drenching her sweet face,

Scarlett lips trembling with anticipation.

He turned back, eyes flashing in anger.

Strong hand gripped the pale, slender neck

The dark of his skin making her white look ethereal

Her bountiful bosom heaved with labour

As she gasped for air

With loving eyes she looked up to his handsome face

Distance made her heart fonder, but his heart did not reciprocate

She had tried in vain to show her unflinching love

He said she smothered him

Every step, every word, every gesture – misunderstood, misinterpreted, mistaken

The more she tried to come close, the more he drifted apart

Like a mirage in a desert

She raised a delicate hand to touch his face one last time

Then she slumped into nothingness

He realised his loss

But his passionate kisses and warm tears couldn’t bring her back

In a moment of rage, all was lost

Love died in the arms of its beloved

He weeps still…

Longs for her to come back and smother him with her love…

A love that he threw away, a love like no other

A love that only her eyes brimmed with…a love lost forever!

The Story of the Blues...

He was blue, so was she,
They painted their faces so no one could see...
Their unique identity. 
She looked for a blue, and so did he;
They passed each other and couldn’t see,
All their lives they looked, but never knew,
That the one they looked for had passed right through!

Gale Force Winds

Sailing in life's tempestuous seas,
All I asked from you was a patch of sunshine, some peace and quiet.
You promised love in all it's splendor.
Dropped a veil over my eyes and led me to a whirlwind of pain and despair.
The veil was lost to gale force winds.
I opened my eyes to a bewildering and frightful sight
Caught in a tornado of a distraught heart,
I'm trying to fight the hurricane in my heart and save myself from the lashings of my soul.
As I gasp for breath, all seems lost.
Drowning in love's betraying seas, I struggle to stay afloat.
There's no God. There's no hope. There's no love lost.
It's all a mirage.
Mirage created by gale force winds,
To be seen by eyes of hurt souls looking for comfort
So the ever starving, loathsome red sea could consume a few more hearts
As I drown I try to send a warning to souls like me...
Beware! But I'm too late...
The seas echo with your laughter...
One more heart to feed on. One more soul to rip apart...
As you prepare for the next meal.
The glint in your eyes mirror the sparkle on the waves...

Will you?

 

If I disappeared from your life, 

Will you come looking for me?

If I stopped expressing my heart on paper,

Will you suddenly wait for the mail?

If I quit bothering you with my pleading,

Will you look back and wonder why?

If I held back the tears,

Will you wonder if it still hurt?

If someday I stopped breathing, 

Will you shed a tear for me?

Letter from a Social Misfit

I am a social Misfit...so you say!

I come from a liberal Bengali bourgeois family with relations in almost all communities of the world. My dad's aunt is married to a Gujarati, while his cousins are married to UP Bhojpuris and Malayalis, my cousins have been married into cultures as varied as Tullus to Delhite Punjabi to British, German, and Australian

while I myself am married to a Kashmiri Pandit and have a Sardarni as my sister-in-law! The list goes on...

It was thus natural for me to approach different cultures and their customs with respect and inquisitiveness. For me, each relationship opened up doors to new learning, helping me enrich my soul!

Forgive me if that is my outlook towards life; this all-compassing nature has made a social misfit!
"Why so?", you may ask.

My reply is simple. Because our society is one where each of us eye the other with suspicion. Even more if the other person is different culturally. I have had to hear such name calling as a "Bloody Bong!" as if there was something wrong with my ethnicity. And that too in my own country. Office politics would swirl around the ethnicity of the target, and God forbid if you were in the minority! The hounds of office ville would pound you with such relentless viciousness that you'd either end up submitting your "inferiority" to the bullying bandits and suck up to them or quit in disgust, in which case, your CV gets shortchanged! She can't stick around! SOCIAL MISFIT! Sigh! If only people would ignore these differences and concentrate on their work instead! The amount of effort that goes into pulling someone down and trampling all over them would bear so much fruit if directed towards the original work duties instead!
So, I am a social misfit!

But then, this isn't the only reason for my scarlet letter! I have the audacity of treating everyone the same - be it my house help, or the CEO of a firm, or an office boy, my relatives and family or the sweeper or a beggar! I was taught to believe in dignity of labor. BUZZZZZZZZZZZ...how dare I say that? Compare a CEO with a sweeper? I'd say why not? Each is doing the best they can to etch an honest living! Hard work is all am seeing here. So when I tell my house help that she should not sit on the floor but on the sofa with me or have her meals on my expensive Corelle dinnerware and crystal glasses instead of a designated, cheap steel plate and glass, eyebrows are raised, some social diva's faint and some find ways to avoid coming to dinner in case the same dinnerware is used to serve them!And I become a social misfit!

I talk about things that are taboo...sex, rape, incest, homosexuality, premarital sex, abortions, incest, porn, prostitution! OMG! She's a devil woman! How could I talk about such taboos? Well, I'd say why not? Am no holier than thou, I have seen the world and although I have an entire life left to learn, I believe that pushing issues under the carpet doesn't eliminate them. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. I am too. I support homosexuality as a right of an individual. I support abortion if it saves the life of the mother or when there is a reason to it! I am against female foeticide and the craving for a son as I believe selective breeding or preferring one gender over the other is pure, unadulterated hypocrisy! Rape is an ugly reality that needs to be fought, hand, nail and tooth. Honor killings enrage me...whose honor are we talking about? Where's the honor in talking lives just because someone had the good sense to look beyond the societal brick walls and be human for a change? That kind of love that doesn't fall prey to such mindless norms of caste, creed and religion is something to be celebrated, not murdered! I am a social misfit!

A lot of those who'd have the stomach to read this socially outrageous piece would condemn me to hell; but if hell is the only place on earth where I'd get to meet such social misfits as myself, then, that's where I'd happily be! Let the thoughts of us social misfits stoke the embers of hell, let the sparks fly, let the fire rage on!

I am not great! Neither do I proclaim or aspire to be great. My aspiration is simple - to be human! I do not say that I need to be followed...no! There are great leaders for that! All I ask is for the social bourgeois to open their eyes and look around! What have we done to the world? I do not want to start a fight, I'd rather live my life in peace, just let me be. I am a product of a well-rounded upbringing and if my thoughts and beliefs make me a social misfit, then I pray with folded hands that my children and the children after them continue to be social outfits. Maybe one day, our thoughts and beliefs would catch on and the world will know peace and tolerance, much more than it does now!

I am a social misfit and I wear my brand with pride.

adios amigos!

Dead Season (2012) left me "zombied"!

Seriously guys!

Me being a horror-flick lapping person, I couldn't resist when the cable TV started airing the zombie flick Dead Season last night! A mistake I could've avoided if I just made the effort of reading a few reviews online!

Nevertheless, the mistake was running on my television set and I determined myself to sit through the entire length of the movie.

Now, what was this about? zombies? cannibalism? psychotic scenes where a man's body is being hacked with a saw while he's still alive and under some medicines (did the guy say "am giving you some vitamins"?) so he cant move or shout? or a lame ass sex scene? Hmmm, I guess all of 'em!

Our male lead is a man who's so insentisized that he can kill a kid or anyone else bitten by a zombie (even when they're still human...well it makes it easier to deal with them at this stage) with a bullet to the back of the head. The female protagonist who is named "Tweeter" (really?) is a shabby copy of "Alice" from the "Resident Evil" franchise; she's a mean killing machine with a conscience. They flee mainland US in a boat to a remote island, hoping to set foot on a virus-free piece of paradise but is obviously in for something else. The island is inhabited by zombies and a group of human survivors who lives protected behind a gated area!

Now, who's the villain here? The ill-fated humans turned zombies? Well they're disgusting with contorted faces and they'll repel you especially when they start tearing the abdominal cavity of our fellow humans and pull out intestines and eat 'em. But they're also captured and used as a training material to understand and learn how to avoid, combat and kill a zombie! Hmmmm, live-combat training!

And then there's the leader of the survivors! He orders the pack of humans around, sending them on scavenging trips, decides who gets to join the group and who becomes a meal! Yes, MEAL! normal humans who aren't welcome into the group are tied up and their "meat" harvested while they're still alive. The group survives on a diet of this human meat delicatessen, roasted/charred and had with chilled beer (where do they get such huge supplies of chilled beer on a deserted island?). No matter that the daughter of our leader (who's been locked up in a room for 10 months) and Tweeter decides to bail!

Gory scenes galore might make this a treat for gore-enthusiasts, but after a while i just sat zombie like...without flinching, even as a man was being harvested. I've seen a lot of zombie movies and trust me this ain't one of the best, or even good ones! If you want gore go watch the SAW series and other classic movies like Hotel and better ones like Turistas! And if you really can digest gore, catch a glimpse of the 1980's classic, Cannibal Holocaust! If blood and guts and gore makes you throw up...don't watch this one...its not worth the effort!

No offence or hard feelings Adam Deyoe, but better luck next time!

I guess Dead Season wants to make a zombie out of you, so watch it at your own peril.

 Watch the official trailer here!

PS: If you think this post is "zombie-like", then am still numb after watching the movie!

What a waste! What a waste! What a waste! What a waste! What a waste! What a waste! What a waste!

Raindrops...

It's raining, finally. The big drops of water hit my face and breaks into a thousand small droplets of molten diamond.

As the glistening fluid trace the contours of my face, my minds tries to renew itself while the heart gets haunted by the past in myriad ways. Sometimes it is bathed in the golden warmth of fond memories, at other times it walks the dark alleys of pain and cringes in agony. The mind, on the other hand, is oblivious to the matters of the heart, or at least it aspires to be. The marriage of the two has ceased to be, they walk their separate ways, think separate thoughts.

Perhaps the mind has attained the state of Nirvana - the place where mortal needs, feelings, sensations do not matter. Still, it revels in the glory of the pitter patter sound that fills its auditory senses. It basks in the gentle light that sparkles within each raindrop. It sighs at the sensuous touch of the drops, sizzling away as it glides down the warm skin!

And the mind is then forced to think - Is this Nirvana? Being one with nature? Feeling it caress you, hearing it speak softly in your ears? But then another more solemn questions fills the mind…isn’t this reminiscent of what the heart feels?

The mind feels confused; the heart reaches out and speaks softly in the mind's ears...yes, this is how I see the world, and this is how I feel!

The lips curl into a gentle smile as the marriage of the heart and mind is revived with renewed vows of togetherness as they both realize that each is incomplete without the other.

The rain god showers his blessing with more molten diamonds, for now, all is well in the land of love!

Krishna visits my canvas!

Of late, my four year old kid has become an ardent follower of Krishna, the blue-hued Hindu God. So it wasn't surprising that while pondering over the subject for a painting, it was decided that I was to paint a portrait of the endearing God.

A shopping trip to the malls ensured that I had the canvas and the paints required to start my work. Kiddo was packed off to school the next morning and I sat with a blank canvas, old brushes and new paint! Two hours later, the painting was finished and I eagerly waited for my daughter to return home.

She burst through the door after a while! Her joy and excitement at seeing the painting was the biggest pat on the back that I had ever received! A post on Facebook brought me purchase offers which I had to politely decline as this was made for my baby and she was totally against selling the piece!

She now calls it her "Krishna" (photo above) and is blissfully happy about her new possession. I have been encouraged to paint more...a hobby I had almost given up if not for my daughter!

In some ways, I believe Krishna has a hand in the revival of my enthusiasm for trying my hand at painting, and I guess I'll continue down the artistic path!

The terrifying revenge of the malicious mouse!

Ah! Wasn’t I delighted with my new pair of party shoes! The glitter of the studded Swarovski crystals matched the sparkle in my eye. I was happy, delighted in fact with my new possession. The “inaugural wear” at the party that night was a success too, what with countless stares at my well heeled feet, you bet it colored my cheeks a shade deeper of red.

Little did I know that my beloved shoe would die a horrendous death at the hands of a mere but malicious mouse!

Now this little mouse and his buddy had found a way into my house and had wrecked havoc in the drawing room and kitchen. Curtains and furniture were nibbled with élan and even a few storage boxes were destroyed! I finally chased and cornered one of the gangster when it jumped into the deep kitchen sink and with my heavily gloved hands, caught it and threw it out of the house, closing the door behind it!

Phew, I guessed I had won the battle but little did I know the revengeful mind of the mouse leader! Blinded with rage with the eviction of its brother-in-arm, the mouse plotted its revenge. The idea was to strike hard and deep so that the revenge became an unforgettable one!

I knew something was coming, so I checked and double checked that all the cabinet doors were locked tight. I couldn’t do much for the furniture and the curtains so I prayed for their safety before tucking into bed.

At night, the menacing mouse entered my living room like a Ninja out for revenge! It scrutinized the rooms on the ground floor with its hawk eyes, searching for the one victim that would break my resolve of fighting the mouse fraternity! As it scanned the room, its eyes caught the glint of my shoes. The pretty shoes stood just above the shoe cupboard, gazing out the big glass windows at the bright full moon outside. The moon talked to the crystals with its light and the crystals responded with its sparkle.

The romantic moment was suddenly shattered by the squeak of the menacing mouse. The glint of sharp claws and the flash of razor sharp teeth was all that was seen for the next few minutes as darling shoe was torn to pieces. As the delicate darling’s limbs got strewn across the floor, and the crystals were torn from its body, death numbed her senses.

The next morning I came down from my first floor bedroom to see the decapitated body of my prized shoe, with the crystals strew about the floor and the delicate straps lying all over, in small pieces.

The mouse has had its revenge. The murder had left me heart-broken. Through warm, salted tears that gushed down my cheeks, only two words escaped my lips – rat poison! 

The war had just begun!

Whoa! Troll!

Whoa! Lookout, its a troll!

I'm an internet junkie and man, do I get the occasional visit from a Troll. It’s interesting how the word meandered its way from Scandinavian folklore and Norse mythology to modern day tech jargon.

Let me tell you (in short) what the good old Scandinavian and Norse folk regarded as Trolls. The Norse mythology came first and were somewhat social beings, living in families (usually as father-and-daughter or mother-and-son) in isolated mountains, rocks, and caves. In the Middle Ages, the word Troll was used to denote a multitude of beings such as a giant or mountain-dweller, a witch, an abnormally strong or large or ugly person, an evil spirit, a ghost, a blámaðr, a magical boar, a heathen demi-god, a demon, a brunnmigi or a berserk.

Scandinavian folklore gave a more particular description of what could be called a Troll. Lore described them as being extremely old, very strong, but slow and dim-witted, sometimes with a cannibalistic urge. The stories said that the Trolls turned to stone upon contact with sunlight. Later, it was also said that Trolls can be quite "human looking" without any particular hideous appearance. But these Trolls would be distant, anti-Christian and prone to "kidnapping". Trolls were scared of lightening!

The modern day Troll is a much more sinister being! Let me speak in the wise words of Wikipedia, "In Internet slang, a troll (pron.: /ˈtroʊl/, /ˈtrɒl/) is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as a forum, chat room, or blog, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion. The noun troll may also refer to the provocative message itself, as in: "That was an excellent troll you posted."

While the word troll and its associated verb trolling are associated with Internet discourse, media attention in recent years has made such labels subjective, with trolling describing intentionally provocative actions and harassment outside of an online context. For example, mass media has used troll to describe "a person who defaces Internet tribute sites with the aim of causing grief to families.""

Well mythology or online irritants, I'd like trolls to keep to themselves. Not a very nice label to aspire for. So long!