Fallen Angel

 

Oh but they try too hard with their lies and deceit,

Concocted out of spite and a dash of jealousy.

Pull me down, make the gossip go ‘round and ‘round 

Burn my wings and snatch my halo.

Little did they know, a warrior angel isn’t mellow 

I draw my sword, discard the shield

Today isn’t the day when I will yield 

Pulling the bloody heartstrings out with my hand 

I sever the chords that held me back 

Chains that bound me, were within 

A slash of the sword and they couldn’t reign me in 

The whirlpool of hate started to fade

When I spread my wounded wings and started to soar

I reach for my halo, a golden light of hope

I’m above your hatred, above your rage

I’m out of reach, a woman you couldn’t gauge 

I’ll rise above the dark clouds, 

An angel chagrined 

My tears gave birth to the Phoenix,

My heartache made the Dragon

Together we will rise 

While you will be called the fallen! 

Indefatigable

My weary soul begs to rest my bloodied feet;

Pierced with thorns, cut by shards of glass 

Of a shattered heart that once beat in rhythm divine,

On a dreary road in a journey called life,

I’ve been dragging the cross for far too long.

The crown of thorns adorning my bloodied head,

The albatross hung around my neck,

I’ve been burnt at the stake every night!

“Witch” they say, as I conquer all adversities.

Fate throws a few more, I slay the demons,

While befriending the dragon that guarded the tower I once lived in.

“Bitch” they call me, when I refuse their lecherous advances…

Bludgeon. Bully. Beat. Berate. 

Bleed dry this blasphemous wench,

I smile as they prepare the stake again.

Burn me to smithereens — 

My dragon sheds a tear, I rise again from my ashes;

Bloodied, barely alive…but brave enough to face another day. 

My soul weeps in silence, begging for respite.

I softly tell her, not yet, battles to win before we do.

So we dredged along, weary but determined to win eventually. 

I’m the woman they will one day name Indefatigable! 

The Letter

Holding the parchment in my hand,

I put pen to paper.

The ink flew innocuously, gathering itself in a pool 

The parchment soaking it in and making patterns of its own

Like tears painting a face with broken dreams

I gingerly held my trampled heart in my hands 

Thinking of you as you revel in your conquests 

Of women smitten by your charm 

Only to move on to the next hunt 

I had wrapped my heart in an envelope and posted it to you 

It came back un-received and trampled

Sitting forlorn in my postbox 

This time the ink created a blessing in the parchment 

Goodbyes are overdue 

You’ll always be a cherished friend 

But my heart I’ll keep to myself 

Writing a love letter, never to post 

Waiting for a letter that will never arrive 

 

Who am I

You wanted to know who am I 

I am the flame men get drawn to like moths,

Crash and burn in the sizzling heat of my being 

While my flame sputters for a moment

Only to rise back up stronger and brighter.

You wanted to know who am I

I am the water gushing through the streams, rivers and into the whirlpool in the middle of the sea 

Pulling you into my soul like a heady mess

Gasping for breath but unable to fight the current of my emotions 

Being carried away into calmer waters once you’ve learnt your lesson 

You wanted to know who am I 

I am the whirlwind that spins you around 

Light weighted and free in my presence 

My laughter letting you float in a cloud of bliss 

Until you land gently or with force 

Depending on the choices you made while flying with my wind beneath your wings

You wanted to know who am I

I am the nurturing earth

My fruits feed your soul 

Satiating your hunger and letting you grow strong 

My perfume fills your world with beauty and ecstasy 

My flowers adorn your hair and body

Giving you the childlike mirth you once lost 

You wanted to know who I am

I am the invisible hand that caresses your spirit 

Wiping the tears off your face 

Lifting you up from the depths of despair 

Teaching you your worth and you place in the universe 

I am a woman, quintessentially

I am a woman forevermore

I am…me! 

No redemption

Thinking about you in my lonely bed,

Heaven feels like hell without you in it.

Memories flash through my ravaged mind,

Bittersweet pain brings tears with the smile.

I know I didn’t do right by you,

I wish I could turn back time, 

I wish I could undo the hurt,

I wish I could show how I feel,

How much you mean to me.

But I know I’ve pushed you too far,

Redemption seems like a distant dream.

I call out to the gods that may be,

For a second chance to do right by you,

My prayers falling into silent ears,

I know I’m losing you with every breath I take,

The pain crushes me but all I want now,

Is to know that you’re happy. 

This will hurt a lifetime,

But I will learn to live with the pain,

Because in the end, all that matters are memories, 

So keep the good ones, forget the rest,

Remember me with a smile and not a frown,

And if ever you could then come back to me,

I’ll be waiting, however long it takes,

Cause all that matters is seeing your smile again,

And knowing that the sun will shine back on me. 

Kaash ki kabhi aisa ho…

Dil jaise koi pyaala ho,

Dard ka jaam bhar de ismein.

Aankhein rooh ki badal banke,

Gham ki baarish aansuyon se karte ho jaise.

Lab karti hai saazish aisi,

Ki us bewafa ko yeh kashmakash ho...

Ke Bhar aaye dil aur nam aankhon se dekhte huye,

Hum is kadar hans rahe kaise.

Kaash ki kabhi aisa ho…

Usko Ek nazar hamari talaash ho…

Bliss of Motherhood

Found this poem scribbled on a piece of paper, the day after my baby girl was born...dedicated to my lovely daughter, Sheen...

The scent of innocence wafts in,

Through the open windows of my heart.

Senses prevail in a sublime world,

Of surrealistic splendor.

Ears behold the gurgling laughter,

Of newborn cherubins.

Water tastes like sparkling wine,

In this other world of happiness.

Eyes open to a world of beauty,

Created to perfection by an unknown hand.

Magickal wonder rests softly

On everything seen and unseen...

That of which dreams are made of,

That of which I am a part,

In sleep as well as in wakefulness.

The Bald Experiment

A few months back, I shaved off my head as a social experiment.

The reactions I got were a mixed bag and confirmed my belief in social biases and stigmas associated with lack of a mop, and the collective definition of beauty.

While some of my friends were concerned at this sudden decision, they appreciated my “badass” look and said this ‘avatar’ suited me. Some said I resembled Aung, from The Last Airbender, some said I looked like a thug, some said I was Tylor from Billions, some said I am a monk now...some jested that I should get a tattoo on my head.

A few of my Instagram followers were downright rude and asked how dare I shave my head.
My Facebook friends were a little more subtle but most liked it (maybe because they are mostly from the western world and are more used to these random acts of change).
Twitter followers was concerned if I was ok.
I’m yet to get a reaction from LinkedIn, which I’m waiting for eagerly now.
My kid hated it and was more concerned about what “people” will think. Her friends were shocked and concerned.
I had  people in the apartment complex stare at me. Most people refused to comment.

Made me think about all those people who are naturally bald or had to shave off due to chemotherapy or maybe had their hair fall out because of some side effect of something they took or some disease. The social stigma is mind-boggling! 

We need to redefine beauty as something that's not skin deep or superfluous. Beauty lies in the way you behave with someone less fortunate than you. Beauty lives in a kind word, a much needed hug, a warm smile. Beauty is when you are present for someone who needs you. Beauty is when you ae honest and caring and loving and gentle and faithful and helpful. 

Maybe its time we redefined beauty and taught our children to look beyond the physical attributes and learnt to appreciate a person's soul.

They say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder...they also say that the eyes are the window to our souls...let the eyes look into the souls of a living being and see their innate goodness and appreciate humanity...for else, we cease to be humans when we shun, mock, tease, ridicule our brethren solely based on their physical attributes. 

Be kind...it doesn't cost a penny!   

Shattered dreams

Rising from the dirt of abandonment like a Lotus in swamp,

I looked up to you like a Sunflower gazes at the Sun.

Gathering my broken pieces of a faintly beating heart,

I dared myself to love again.

Consumed by the flames of emotions,

The soul surrendered to your magnetism. 

Like a moth to a flame I flew too close to the Sun

Inevitability ensued promptly.

The warmth transformed to a searing heat.

Scorching me to the bones and scarring my consciousness.

The soul was burnt, the heart melted away to oblivion

Dreams shattered into a million pieces 

This time I won’t be invictus

This time I won’t get back up with my bloodied head and an aching heart

This time my eyes search for you 

While I lay defeated 

If  I walk the earth again,

There will be no light in my soul,

No spark in my eye 

No smile on my lips

You’ve taken them all with you.

May you shine in all your glory, eternal sunshine 

While I bite the dust! 

Fated Love

I had loved many a loves,  Not knowing love will be lost.
The betrayals and heartaches abound, I nurtured my weeping heart.
Disillusioned and yet hoping for a miracle, I plastered a happy mask on my forlorn face.
Then you came along...Like a dazzling ray of the Sun, 
Tearing my darkness apart.
But this time I knew I’ve lost, the moment I loved you.
No surprises in store, the heart revels in your love,
Yet weeps for the inevitability of losing you forever, 
So I clamour for more time, wishing I could freeze time. 
Never have I loved so fervently, neither cared so deeply.
Words seem to fail me in my quest to confess my true feelings.
I’ll lose you for sure, for it is destiny.
But I’ll love you forevermore, because  I’ve never known true love till I met you.
Fated love, yes this is.
But to love you and be loved by you...
I look at you, my own personal Sun and smile...
Nothing can describe this feeling, 
Fated love! But one that defines me! 

My patch of sunshine...

Thunder, lightening and the dark skies,

Drenching me in drops of sorrow.

Soaked to the skin and bones,

I bowed down to fate.

When a sliver of the sun cut through the black haze.

Lighting up my soul.

I know it’s short-lived.

So I try to soak in the warmth.

Stealing precious moments, 

Imbibing my soul with the light exuding from you. 

My little patch of sunshine.

Unreal, enigmatic and a mirage,

I defy all odds and say “So what!”

A drop of the sun’s rays is all I need.

To warm my shattered heart and recharge my weary soul.

When the light leaves me for good,

The memories will persist,

And along with it, so will I.

Daring the darkness to engulf me again,

Knowing the remnants of the sunshine in me

Will shine through

Making me Invictus yet again! 

Zarranawazi...

“Bekhauff huye hain Ishq mein,

Woh jo kabhi sahme huye se rehte thein ...

Meikhane ki justjoo kaafir kiya karte hain.

Ishq ki ibaadat Karne wale...

Woh toh mehboob ke aankhon se jaam piya karte hain!”

Deewangi...

RiShton ke Zanzeer baandhte hain jism ko,

Rooh kisi ki jaagir nahin.

Jab dil naache ishq ke Nashe mein, 

Toh ishq ki showhar, ishq ki Khuda,

Ishq hi Ibaadat hota hai. 

Pyaar mein pathhar khana Asaan nahin.

Yeh toh sirf faqiron ki Aadat hain;

Duniya kya jaane deewangi,

Seeta toh Sab ban sakte hain. 

Radha ya Meera ban ke toh koi dikhaye! 

Armaan

Inayat hai khuda ki,

Jo Tere dil mein panaah mila.

Tujhpe yakeen na kiya,

Tauheen hui yeh humse.

Gustaakh dil ne arzi Di hai,

Ab maaf bhi kar ae sanam.

Tere ibadat mein dum nikle,

Bas yahin Armaan,

Ab in saanson se nikle!

Gustaakhi maaf

Tere nazron ki ruhaaniyat,

Shiddat deti hain uns ko.

Tere qurbat ke Chahat mein

Hayat moajaza si lage.

Maraasim ki justju mein sukoon khoya.

Ranjish-e-dil ne alfaaz fanaa kiye.

Tashreeh kya de aapko?

Tadbeer dhoondne chale the,

Judai ka gham bhulne ko.

Inayaat Na dikhi,

Bas kohram machaye chale aye.

Translation:

The soulfulness  of your eyes

Lends intensity to love.

The need for your closeness,

Makes life look like a miracle.

I’ve lost peace in my search for relations.

The anguished heart destroyed all words.

What explanation should I give you?

I was searching for a solution

To forget the pain of separation.

I missed seeing my blessings, (and)

Just created chaos and came back.

When we sleep...

Note to self...

Last....

One last call...to hear your voice

One last plea...to let me in

One last whisper...to say I love you

One last whimper...to say it pains

One last tear... to forever embed you in my heart

A plea...

How does one go from being the love that was much cherished to become the unrequited love that a heart mourns every moment?

You chose to stop loving me while I chose never to stop loving you ever.
You chose to ignore my silent pleas and concentrate on my shortcomings.
I chose to ignore your mistakes and look deep within you and understand your pain and the demons you were fighting in your head and heart.

We both had demons we were fighting, whose demon was more frightening is a futile argument.
We had momentarily had our hearts filled with despair and distrust but I found strength in your love to rise above that poisonous cloud.

I was determined to not let anything take you away from me because you were and are the love of my life, my source of sustenance, my heart, my soul, my storm and my peace.
You were my zen and my chaos.
You completed me.

We lost a dream together when we lost that spark of life growing within me...in my despair, I tried reaching out to you, in your despair, you cringed away from me...turning my despair and desperation into blinding rage that burnt your heart and sizzled the tears into oblivion.
I faltered and in doing so my hand slipped from yours and I fell into the deep dark abyss of nothingness.

My existence is void of soul, of love, of happiness.
I exist now to simply exist in a world I can't fathom nor trust nor feel.
As I stare into the void, burning tears race down my cheeks.
I close my eyes imagining your fingers wiping away the pain.
Yet I know it may never be.

You are not to blame, neither am I...we both are doing what we know is true...me, loving you,  as you walk away from me.

You are my love, my life...now all that is left is to learn how to live a lifeless existence.

The heart wants to give up, the mind is blank but somehow I know I have to trudge along...the journey isn't over yet.

There are mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, people to take care of...so I conjure the plastic smile, put my chin up and walk bravely.

Just that no one sees the glazed eyes and the tears that I promptly wipe...

Don't let her go...

"My Love", she beckoned to him.

Arms outstretched, tears drenching her sweet face,

Scarlett lips trembling with anticipation.

He turned back, eyes flashing in anger.

Strong hand gripped the pale, slender neck

The dark of his skin making her white look ethereal

Her bountiful bosom heaved with labour

As she gasped for air

With loving eyes she looked up to his handsome face

Distance made her heart fonder, but his heart did not reciprocate

She had tried in vain to show her unflinching love

He said she smothered him

Every step, every word, every gesture – misunderstood, misinterpreted, mistaken

The more she tried to come close, the more he drifted apart

Like a mirage in a desert

She raised a delicate hand to touch his face one last time

Then she slumped into nothingness

He realised his loss

But his passionate kisses and warm tears couldn’t bring her back

In a moment of rage, all was lost

Love died in the arms of its beloved

He weeps still…

Longs for her to come back and smother him with her love…

A love that he threw away, a love like no other

A love that only her eyes brimmed with…a love lost forever!

The Story of the Blues...

He was blue, so was she,
They painted their faces so no one could see...
Their unique identity. 
She looked for a blue, and so did he;
They passed each other and couldn’t see,
All their lives they looked, but never knew,
That the one they looked for had passed right through!

Gale Force Winds

Sailing in life's tempestuous seas,
All I asked from you was a patch of sunshine, some peace and quiet.
You promised love in all it's splendor.
Dropped a veil over my eyes and led me to a whirlwind of pain and despair.
The veil was lost to gale force winds.
I opened my eyes to a bewildering and frightful sight
Caught in a tornado of a distraught heart,
I'm trying to fight the hurricane in my heart and save myself from the lashings of my soul.
As I gasp for breath, all seems lost.
Drowning in love's betraying seas, I struggle to stay afloat.
There's no God. There's no hope. There's no love lost.
It's all a mirage.
Mirage created by gale force winds,
To be seen by eyes of hurt souls looking for comfort
So the ever starving, loathsome red sea could consume a few more hearts
As I drown I try to send a warning to souls like me...
Beware! But I'm too late...
The seas echo with your laughter...
One more heart to feed on. One more soul to rip apart...
As you prepare for the next meal.
The glint in your eyes mirror the sparkle on the waves...

Will you?

 

If I disappeared from your life, 

Will you come looking for me?

If I stopped expressing my heart on paper,

Will you suddenly wait for the mail?

If I quit bothering you with my pleading,

Will you look back and wonder why?

If I held back the tears,

Will you wonder if it still hurt?

If someday I stopped breathing, 

Will you shed a tear for me?

Letter from a Social Misfit

I am a social Misfit...so you say!

I come from a liberal Bengali bourgeois family with relations in almost all communities of the world. My dad's aunt is married to a Gujarati, while his cousins are married to UP Bhojpuris and Malayalis, my cousins have been married into cultures as varied as Tullus to Delhite Punjabi to British, German, and Australian

while I myself am married to a Kashmiri Pandit and have a Sardarni as my sister-in-law! The list goes on...

It was thus natural for me to approach different cultures and their customs with respect and inquisitiveness. For me, each relationship opened up doors to new learning, helping me enrich my soul!

Forgive me if that is my outlook towards life; this all-compassing nature has made a social misfit!
"Why so?", you may ask.

My reply is simple. Because our society is one where each of us eye the other with suspicion. Even more if the other person is different culturally. I have had to hear such name calling as a "Bloody Bong!" as if there was something wrong with my ethnicity. And that too in my own country. Office politics would swirl around the ethnicity of the target, and God forbid if you were in the minority! The hounds of office ville would pound you with such relentless viciousness that you'd either end up submitting your "inferiority" to the bullying bandits and suck up to them or quit in disgust, in which case, your CV gets shortchanged! She can't stick around! SOCIAL MISFIT! Sigh! If only people would ignore these differences and concentrate on their work instead! The amount of effort that goes into pulling someone down and trampling all over them would bear so much fruit if directed towards the original work duties instead!
So, I am a social misfit!

But then, this isn't the only reason for my scarlet letter! I have the audacity of treating everyone the same - be it my house help, or the CEO of a firm, or an office boy, my relatives and family or the sweeper or a beggar! I was taught to believe in dignity of labor. BUZZZZZZZZZZZ...how dare I say that? Compare a CEO with a sweeper? I'd say why not? Each is doing the best they can to etch an honest living! Hard work is all am seeing here. So when I tell my house help that she should not sit on the floor but on the sofa with me or have her meals on my expensive Corelle dinnerware and crystal glasses instead of a designated, cheap steel plate and glass, eyebrows are raised, some social diva's faint and some find ways to avoid coming to dinner in case the same dinnerware is used to serve them!And I become a social misfit!

I talk about things that are taboo...sex, rape, incest, homosexuality, premarital sex, abortions, incest, porn, prostitution! OMG! She's a devil woman! How could I talk about such taboos? Well, I'd say why not? Am no holier than thou, I have seen the world and although I have an entire life left to learn, I believe that pushing issues under the carpet doesn't eliminate them. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. I am too. I support homosexuality as a right of an individual. I support abortion if it saves the life of the mother or when there is a reason to it! I am against female foeticide and the craving for a son as I believe selective breeding or preferring one gender over the other is pure, unadulterated hypocrisy! Rape is an ugly reality that needs to be fought, hand, nail and tooth. Honor killings enrage me...whose honor are we talking about? Where's the honor in talking lives just because someone had the good sense to look beyond the societal brick walls and be human for a change? That kind of love that doesn't fall prey to such mindless norms of caste, creed and religion is something to be celebrated, not murdered! I am a social misfit!

A lot of those who'd have the stomach to read this socially outrageous piece would condemn me to hell; but if hell is the only place on earth where I'd get to meet such social misfits as myself, then, that's where I'd happily be! Let the thoughts of us social misfits stoke the embers of hell, let the sparks fly, let the fire rage on!

I am not great! Neither do I proclaim or aspire to be great. My aspiration is simple - to be human! I do not say that I need to be followed...no! There are great leaders for that! All I ask is for the social bourgeois to open their eyes and look around! What have we done to the world? I do not want to start a fight, I'd rather live my life in peace, just let me be. I am a product of a well-rounded upbringing and if my thoughts and beliefs make me a social misfit, then I pray with folded hands that my children and the children after them continue to be social outfits. Maybe one day, our thoughts and beliefs would catch on and the world will know peace and tolerance, much more than it does now!

I am a social misfit and I wear my brand with pride.

adios amigos!